Ever feel alone in a crowded room?

Ever since Saturday morning when I heard about my

 Best Friend from High Schools Mom committing suicide, I haven't felt myself. 

Brookes Mom, Holly was honestly like my second mom I've never met someone so full of life, loving, warm,and just so eager to see more in life.  Hollys wake was Tuesday night and Tuesday I woke up with huge knots in my stomach and all day and had this horrible feeling in my stomach.  My mom, Heather, Kim and I went to the wake at 7 and the line to go inside the funeral home was down the street and around the corner. It was amazing to see how many people cared about her. When we finally made our way in I looked at Heather(we were both really close with Brookes whole family) and said "I can't do this, I cant!!"  Brookes family came over and started crying when they saw us, pouring their hearts out on how much they've missed us and they were so glad we came.  It truely touched my heart.  We walked around Hollys funeral room, looking at all her photos being her smiley self.  The wake and funeral were very hard to deal with, so surreal.  I couldnt come to grip with things(still cant) and I guess my emotions were so high that I thought of some many other things. 

Holly I hope your free from your surrows and are happy now.  Thank you for making me eat my vegetables, showering when we "refused", letting us use your house as our hang out spot, telling you our secrets and sharing yours with us, taking Brooke & I to see colleges and get our butts in gear for school, for playing Carol King with LouAnn; its now one of my FAVORITE songs and I'll always remember the nights we'd sing her at the top our of lungs, sleeping at your house more then I slept at my own, eating all your food, and giving us boy advice. I could go on and on about how much fun and light you brought into my life. I'll think about you always and cherish the moments we spent together.

I've thought a lot about the fight Heather and I got into with Brooke acouple of years ago.  The fight wasnt some stupid little fight, the reason we stopped talking had strong meaning behind it.  But now I feel like I took my grudge alittle too far and should have let it go for so long.  I dont think Brooke is totally clear on why are friendship was going downhill and I hope some day soon I'll be able to sit down with her to explain.  Honestly, I've missed her... We had the BEST times together.  There was never a day spent where I wasnt bent over and my stomach laughing hysterically.  But at the end things went to far and the best way to fix things was to make a end before it got worse.  Ill being seeing Brooke tomorrow, I know this night together will make Holly smile.  Please be with us!

My relationship with Steve is amazing but my extremely high anxiety sometimes takes over me and I say things with strong feelings without thinking.  And to be honest I'm surprised hes stuck through with those moments.  When I'm going through a hard time, my noncute stage leaves and im a horrible snotty beast.  And I seem to lash out at anyone and a lot of time it seems to be Steve because we talk and spend a lot of time together.  I just want to let him know how much I love him and appreciate him for sticking by me with my highs and lows.  I can be crazy, and neurotic but Steven has brought so much joy in my life, and hes everything I've been looking for. I just cant seem to tell him, but I truely truely mean it deep down

So many of my tears have fallen and Ive tried to sort things out in my mind,

but everything seems so weird and I feel so uncomfortable in my own life right now.